leav_me_2_bleed

I wonder about the old man, drunk and piss stained who talked to me outside work one night. He was nice and offered to buy me a taco. Maybe he was interested in conversation or maybe he just wanted to get in my pants. I also wonder about the elderly man who joked about running again. He could barely walk, let alone run, but I suppose there is always the optimistic approach on life. I marvel at how I can live in the dorms with so many remarkable people and still feel lonely at times. The clicks are forming; the gossip is always at arms length. I figured it would be different. I will not deny the fun I have had. There have been many random adventures at night that I will never forget. It wasn’t what I expected though. I’m not what I expected. Sometimes I feel like I am two people. Different people know me as a different individual. There is the loud, bold, sarcastic me and then there is the quiet, too serious for her own good, me. Never does there seem to be a balance or in the middle. I just keep thinking will I be an old drunk or will I be the optimistic elderly person. I don’t have a clue. I am two people and I could possibly go in two directions.

Today I'm going to get rid of all of my razors. I haven't cut in 10 months. Yet I could never bring myself to throw them away, till now. I am also going to give up smoking. I only have 4 cigs left. It is going to be hard, but I need to make some changes in my life. I am also going to get rid of all the pictures I have hanging up of the people at school. They've been there since the beginning of Junior year. It's funny to see how people change over 4 years. How conceited they've become. How the world revolves only around themselves. It makes me sad in a way. Because at one point in time I called them my friends. Spending 8 hours a day with them, yet they are all strangers. Never did they inquire about anyone but themselves these past few months. Concentrating on only the material wealth or the fact that they are better then the rest of us. I'm quite sick of it. I'm not saying there are people that I don't care about (Jayme, Dana, Haley and Margo seem to be the jest of it.) I'm just waiting for college. So I can get out of this... aggravated... state of mind. It's hard not to focus on the negativity when I spend a lot of my time focusing on school (AP classes can do that to a person.) I'm also going to try and be healthier, by working out and not eating red meat. I'm scared to give up all meat because I think I have anemia. My goal is to try and smile more, call it a new year's resolution if you must. But I'm done with fretting over little things. Things that will mean nothing in the future. I'm going to see a gynecologist next Monday. To hopefully start on birth control. Not just for sex, but to even out my hormones. Winter is the depression season it seems. Overall I think this is the best winter yet though. I cry a lot, but it is nothing I can't handle. No thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind. Of cutting maybe, but I think that will always be with me. I spend a lot of time with Paul or just by myself. Sometimes I feel bad about this. That my focus seems to be on only two things. But it brings me comfort to know that I have someone who will always be there for me. I never thought I would be so in love. It really does grow with time. As for the rest of my friends. I'm still here, still alive and breathing. I just need to be pestered sometimes to do things. I hope that they can understand I'm going through some things right now that I don't quite understand. A need to think and analyze myself. I don't plan on changing over night or being someone I'm not. I just need to put my focus on things that will benefit me. I'm always here for everyone though. I've gone back to my roots, by trying to be the therapist type. And it makes me feel good to know that people trust me, trust my judgment. I know I can't always help, but I will always offer a shoulder to cry on. No matter what. I think this journal entry is long enough ;). I just needed to get that out. Even if no one really reads it. Sometimes it feels good to put your emotions/thoughts/ideas else where. Somewhere besides in your mind. I wish everyone the happiness they deserve. And I hope for that myself as well.
love,
Alisha

I don't really know what's going on right now. I think, I think too much. lol. Maybe I'm too attached to Paul? I kinda promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't do that, but I think it's gotten to the attached part. I just remember things like my mother never being able to let go of Nozy or other people for that matter (of whom I will not mention.) It's like they can't live without that person and then they are confronted by some huge slice of disapointment, but they keep holding on. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to hold on when I shouldn't. I really do wonder why I'm so pessimistic. And when I'm at school why am I so judgemental in my mind, not outwardly, but inwardly? How did I become that way? I know that every one has potential to be a good person and I really wish I could acknowledge that more, but I don't. Why are so many people getting married and having children so young, espicially at my school?? What possess them to take that leap? People change so much during these years... Why do we need love? I mean I appreiciate love and all that, but it seems impossible for some people to be happy with out a signicicant other. It's sometiems hard to be your own person and to be free to do what you want or have time for yourself. But then again there is always that want to not have those things, not by yourself that is. Have you ever missed someone you are not supposed to miss or were jealous of something you could never do anything about?? That would be me. I'm indifferent about certain things, about certain feelings and thoughts. It's like why am I thinking about these things at this point in life? WHY? Have you ever wondered what would have happened if you didn't mess up or if you said something when you didn't have the courage to say it at the time? I really don't know what this ramble is about, but I think I'm going to run away now...

I adopted a cute lil' emo fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

this is for you PAUL! *love*

I adopted a cute lil' pikachu fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

Marty and Bryan,
You may have learned in school about laws governing slavery, the womens vote, and segregation. None of these laws are in the constitution either, yet there WERE laws, allowing and governing slavery, segregation, and forbidding women the vote. History has proven these laws to be barbaric and simply not fair, in fact, it is based on the constitution that these embarrassing laws were abolished.

Simply because a law is in existence doesn't make it right or constitutional.

Have you read the constitution recently? the 1st amendment states that no religious doctrine shall be made into law.

Did you know that there are nationally recognized churches who have been performing same-sex marriage for over 30 years? (Unitarians, church of christ, etc.) who are denied fair recognition because their religious definition of marriage is different than yours. The way it stands now, only the biblical definition of marriage is recognized in 49 states. Why should the governement grant you special previleges because you are a christian, and you believe only in christian marriage? But yet the state does not recognize my church's definition of marriage. This situation in fact IS unconstitutional, and will be deemed so in the near future. (and yes there is such a thing as un unconstitutional law)

Bryan, the reason you can't marry your sister is because of the danger involved with reproduction, the reason you can't marry a minor is obviously to protect children who are not mature enough to make good decisions, and polygamy is forbidden for the obvious human rights issues......I ask you, who is protected by banning gay marriage? Only you and your pride in thinking that gays are second class citizens, and you don' t want them to be in your club.

---------------------------

Posted by: Liberty at February 3, 2005 07:10 PM

Thanks for playing along Liberty. Just a couple of points:

1. If there were ANY religious justification for same-sex marriage -- even a minor one -- this would have been an open and shut First Amendment case long ago. The fact that there isn't even a shred, among all the varied and diverse religions of the world throughout time, should inform your opinion just a bit.

2. 'Bryan, the reason you can't marry your sister is because of the danger involved with reproduction'

Not exactly relevant to same-sex couples now is it? So, if SSM is legalized, there will be no rational basis for prohibiting incestuous marriages -- so long as they are gay, right?

3. 'the reason you can't marry a minor is obviously to protect children who are not mature enough to make good decisions'

Fair enough, but who are you or I to say at what age someone is mature enough? Certainly 16 is as arbitrary an age as 12, or 18, or 21, right? What of the 15 year old who is very mature -- is he being unfairly descriminated against? Or does society have a right to set limits, even if they seem arbitrary to an offended party?

4. 'and polygamy is forbidden for the obvious human rights issues'

Obvious? That's funny, because the champions of human rights -- the ACLU -- are arguing in support of polygamy at this very moment. You have a very weak case here, sir.

-----------------

Posted by: Marty at February 3, 2005 08:40 PM

Oh Marty,

Wait now,
Are you saying that you think incest should be forbidden as well as gay marriage?

I am confused:

Obviously incest is condoned in the bible, and that seems to be where you get your moral guidance. Therefore there is religious justification for incest, more so than gay marriage, as you pointed out...and therefore you should be lobbying to legalize incest based on your above arguments...

Adam and Eve were the only 2 people in the beginning, right?. How do you suppose their children made children?

Clearly god then intended for incest to take place, right? If the bible is true, incest clearly seems to be part of gods plan...Or maybe you feel that we should accept some things from the bible but ignore others? Don't even get me started on slavery and the bible...

In fact, the only way that there could be people in the world today without incest is EVOLUTION!

Which do you prefer? Incest or evolution?

You seem to have backed yourself up against a wall on this issue...Thank you for the opportunity to point out one of the many weaknesses in the bible myth.

By the way, if in the bible was written by god, why does the bible not mention the planets? Sun, Moon, Earth, sky... but no planets...hmmm...don't you think god knew the planets were there, and that he would have let us in on that fact? I am just curious...

LMAO

OOoOoO BTW I GOT INTO RIPON BIZOTCHES
LOVE,
Lish

Well folks, I thought I was depressed AGAIN there for a moment. But all is better and couldn't be done without the wonderful assistence of Paul. (Corny I know, but still.)School is hell. I'm tired of the atmosphere. But only 8 more fucking months! Woooot. I'm going to make it through this. I can't wait till college. I've been talking with so many people about it and I'm just so gosh darn impatient. But there is always the road trip to Canada, yipee! OOoOoO you think I'm weird, but you have no idea. All I have to say is I'm not wasteing any more time on people who honestly don't give a fuck about me. I'm me and I'll be me for the rest of my life. I'm not going to change to fit some one elses vision of what a person should be. *dances* I love all of those who have taken the time to get to know me. I love all the people that make me laugh, who haven't given up on me, who party with me, who go out to coffee with me, who take the time to ask me how I am. Basically I love all those who care AND those are the people that count. For a while there I thought 'you die alone' or 'all you have is yourself.' But in the end I don't think that. Without other people I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be happy. It is the love in others that makes me want to love. Even if it is corny I DON'T CARE!
*love*
and
*hugs*
yours truly,
Lish

This week was hell... literally. I was close to tears so many times. It was sad because most of the time it was the small things that brought out the most stress. Yet I smiled through it and tried. And I guess that is all I can do at this point. Even though if teachers would actually start teaching me I'd be fine (STATS.) lol I'm SOOooOOoO getting a self help book for that one. I'm happy that I'm in psychology though. OoOO how I love that class. I really think that is my future profession. I've read like 3 chapters in my psych book for the hell of it. And I never (emphasis on NEVER) do that. I'm one of the worlds greatest procrastinators.
I tried to give blood yesterday, but my ID was left at home... but as soon as I get this years I'm there in a flash.
Well this weekend is River Bend. I shall see my darling cousins who love me too much for their damn good. But hey I could use some love... and some laughs... fo' sho!
And my pics are next week.. the 8th! Woo hoo... That'll be funny... Not looking forward to it.
Well I must be off the Frankster is here and he is such a cutie I can't resist.

I can't believe school is almost here!!! Tis a crazy thing. Three AP classes and gossip all around. One last year of high school! *goes crazy.* I've grown so much in this past year it's disturbing. I mean I'm happy now, but all of the shit that I went through to get here. It's sad that you have to hit your lowest point to finally realize that that isn't where you want to be. OoOoO how I wish it were common sense. But then again this is life as we know it. I'm fucking happy/giddy/alive... I can feel now. It's just, I don't even know how to explain it. I was numb for so long, that is just nice to appreciate things. To not look at everything and loathe it. All I know is that I'm going into this school year to learn, to not get wrapped up in trivial things, to have fun and most of all be happy. And if anyone wants to change that I'm through with them. It is as simple as that. In the end you only have yourself. Quoted by a good friend 'you die alone.' If I meet people, good people, I'm open to them, I'm open to new experiences and fun. But I'm not going to dwaddle in some dark hole.
As for school I know it isn't going to be this wonderful thing. But I'm looking forward to it because ONE MORE YEAR... There is always morning coffee, sneaking cigs on field trips, inside jokes, Webbs, I have to admit that I even enjoy the gossip sometimes. Idk... lol

In The Last 24 Hours, Have You:
01. Cried: Nope siree
02. Bought Something: Yea a 5 by 4 artsy pic that is now on my wall
03. Gotten Sick: Yea.. my tummy was angry last night
04. Sang: me sing??? never!
05. Eaten: yep, 4 cheese and tomato
06. Been Kissed: yep, PAUL
07. Felt Stupid: always
09. Met Someone New: no
10. Moved On: no
11. Talked To An Ex: yea
12. Missed An Ex: hell no
13. Talked To Someone You Have A Crush On: nope
14. Had A Serious Talk: no
15. Missed Someone: Yes
16. Hugged Someone: paul, ana... indeed
17. Fought With Your Parent(s): No
18. Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: no

Social Life:
01. Best Girl Friends: Hmmm I'm not into the best friends thing... but love all around
02. Best Guy Friends: same hurr
03. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Paul
05. Hobbies: Writing, singing, walking, sex... i mean... no??? well next question it is
07. Are You Center Of Attention Or The Wallflower? Wallflower
08. What Type Automobile Do You Drive: ummm an invisible one
09. What Type Automobile Do You Wish You Drove: A mini...
10. Would You Rather Be With Friends Or On A Date: Friends, actual dates are not my forte
11. Where Is The Best Hangout: Webbs, node, park, random houses
12. Do You Have A Job: haha... no
13. Do You Attend Church: no
14. Do You Like Being Around People: maaaaaybe

You:
01. What Is Your Full Name: Alisha Ann Klapps-Balistreri
02. Spell Your First Name Backwards: Ahsila... i like
03. Date Of Birth: 6/12/88
04. Male Or Female: Female
05. Astrological Sign: GEMINI...
06. Nicknames: Lish, Duh-lish-a LOL
07. Occupation: student, volunteer (does the count?)
08. Screen Names: Spiralpurple69
09. Piercings: 2-3 on each ear (ones kinda closed)
10. Tattoos: yes please *waits*
11. Righty or Lefty: Righty
12. Wearing: Black shirt black pants... and cool ass shoes
13. Hearing: fan and the highway
14. Feeling: Tired.. working at the Uncles... kinda lonely... but kinda needing alone time (at the same time) idk
15. Eating/Drinking: Propel strawberry-kiwi

Boys/Girls & Love/Relationships:
01. Have You Ever Been In Love: Yes
02. How Many People Have You Said That To: 2
03. How Many People Have You Been In REAL Love With: 1
04. Have You Ever Kissed Someone Of The Same Sex: Yes
05. How Many People Have You Dated: 7???
06. What Do You Look For In A Guy/Girl: humor, interesting, caring, lol nice/agressive (muhhahaha)... ummmmm kinky??? lol
07. What's The First Thing You Notice About The Opposite Sex: Eyes/lips
08. Do You Have A Crush: maaaaybe
09. If So Who Is It: gq
10. Do You Believe In Love At First Sight: no
11. Do You Remember Your First Love: Yes lol
12. Do you believe in fate: sometimes
13. Do You Believe In Soul Mates: eh....
14. If So Do You Believe You'll Ever Find Yours: lol maaaaaybe

Family:
01. How Many Siblings Do You Have: 3 bros, 3 sis
02. Do You Have A Drunk Uncle: lol who doesn't???
03. Does Someone In Your Family Wear A Toupee: I sure hope not *shivers*...
04. Are Your Parents Divorced: seperated
05. Do You Have Step Parents: Yes
06. Has Your Family Ever Disowned Another Member Of Your Family: yep, sadly my grandfather

Music:
01. What Song Do You Swear Was Written About You Or Your Life: OOoOoOO gawd... you don't wanna know
02. What's The Most Embarrassing CD You Own: ummm 3LW LOL
03. What's The Best CD You Own: OoOOooO my... a personal mix
04. What Song Do You Hate: Anything Hillary Duff
05. Do You Sing In The Shower: *cough cough* never!
06. What Song Reminds You Of That Special Someone: That one oober happy song by the Gorillaz

Bed:
What Color Are Your Sheets: maroon
What Color Are Your Bedroom Walls: diagnal mixed red and white
Do You Have Posters On Your Wall: Yes
If So Of What:flowery stuff, kurt cobain, kittys/tigers, pictury thingy
Do You Have A TV In Your Room: no
How Many Pillows Are On Your Bed: 2
What Do You Normally Sleep In: lol stuff
Describe Your Favorite Pair Of Pajamas: Any Big T *does been pimped hand thingy&*
What Size Bed Do You Have: Twin
Do You Have A Waterbed / Bunk Bed / Daybed: futon
Do You Have Your Own Phone Line In Your Bedroom: no
Describe The Last Nightmare You Had: bleh.... last night actually... it was just creepy weird... idk why but i seem to get more nightmares then normal ppl
Do You Sleep With Stuffed Animals: yep
How Many People Can Comfortably Sleep Comfortably In Your Bed: well the most has been 4, but that wasn't comfortable... so tops would be 3
Any Unusual Sleeping Positions: in a ball that is all
Do You Snore: I don't think so
How About Drool: ummm *hides
Do You Have An Alarm Clock In Your Room: Yeah
What Color Is The Carpet In Your Room: wood... well that isn't a color but you konw what i mean
What's Under Your Bed: you don't want to know

What Is Your Opinion Of The Following?
Virgins: neutral
God: agnosticness
Reality TV: LMAO
Emo Music: *admits nothing*
Valentine's Day: fucking sux... usually...
Abortion: pro-choice, tho i'd never do it
Inter-Racial Relationships: Fine and dandy
Death: 'lifes a bitch and then you do fuck this shit let's get high' OR 'Noone dies a virgin, life screws everyone' lol... okay i'm weird
Pre-Marital Sex: eehhhh do what you want... you only live once